Member-only story
When I first came out as genderfluid, people asked me what pronouns I used—and I said “any.” Here’s why the conflation of pronouns with gender led me to use they/them exclusively.
A few years ago, my sibling gave me an amazing gift for my birthday: a circular pronoun pin with a moving arrow piece that could point to “He,” “They,” or “She.” I’d been saying that it would be nice if I could just see which pronouns felt best for me on any given day, but the practicalities seemed too complicated to actually make this happen—plus, I usually didn’t spend much time checking in with myself on the topic.
Still, the pin was one of the best gifts I’d ever received. I felt deeply affirmed: seen, loved, understood.
Even when my hair was short and I dressed more masc at times, though, most people in my life defaulted to using “she/her” for me. That felt okay for a while, but I noticed some fear and dread started to accompany this usage—and it wasn’t because that individual was doing anything wrong.
Instead, it was about the people around us. Much like a familiar nickname that people might adopt after overhearing it, it seemed as though people thought they had full knowledge of my gender once they heard these pronouns applied to me.
